Michael had an awesome idea to make a t-shirt that said “Come ‘Homa” to wear when we bring our little guy home. We are so excited for that day, but we decided that we wanted to open it up for all of YOU to join in on the “Come ‘Homa” fun!

If you live in Ponca City or around us you can order one directly from us. Or you can go online to our store and order there. You can order, either through us or through the store, up through June 18. (Be sure and notice the shipping details on the store.)

Cost is $20 for adult sizes and $15 for children and toddler sizes. Colors available: Red, Orange, Royal Blue, Green, Grey) You can see them all and order here. https://tayloradoption.itemorder.com/sale

To our family and friends,

Well we are adding to the Taylor family again, this time through the channel of adoption. Let us just say up front, quite frankly we wish this adoption was not happening and before you get too confused let us explain. Adoption is not God’s initial design for the family. However, adoption is a gift from God into a sad reality of broken families that stems from a broken world. A world full of sin and heart-ache, a world in which human life is devalued, but in adoption we believe healing can come. We believe that primarily because we have been adopted.

In love, he predestined us for adoption to himself as sons through Jesus Christ, according to the purpose of his will, to the praise of his glorious grace, with which he has blessed us in the Beloved. (ESV) Ephesians 1:4-6

But when the fullness of time had come, God sent forth his Son, born of woman, born under the law, to redeem those who were under the law, so that we might receive adoption as sons. And because you are sons, God has sent the Spirit of his Son into our hearts, crying, “Abba! Father!” (ESV) Galatians 4:4-6

Because of the testimony of Scripture, we believe that God sent Jesus into the brokenness of this world so that we, as spiritual orphans, could be adopted into his family, not as some type of secondary child, but as a full brother or sister in Christ. Through Jesus Christ, God made it possible for us to become his children. Through Jesus God has made it possible for us to receive his glorious grace. Through Jesus, God has made it possible for us to know him as a loving and caring Father.

This spiritual burden that we have been adopted is driving our family to extend, in a similar manner, the same grace to a child, who through no fault of their own, has become an orphan. We want to extend at least a measure of the very grace that God extended to us. We want to visibly put the Gospel of Jesus on display. We do not do this for the purpose of lauding ourselves as some type of hero. We do this so that we can display the perfect and matchless grace of God in Christ exhibited as he adopted a child who had rebelled against him.

Caroline has already shared quite a bit of how we got to this point via her blog and will be sharing more in the days to come. This adoption journey really began many years ago. Her heart was prompted with the desperate need for adoption as a young child. My (Michael) heart began to be tuned to this need and opportunity as Caroline and I began dating and eventually married. As the days have passed and we have drawn closer to this actual moment the pressing and burning motivation for our adoption is not to rescue a child. Ultimately, we could give him a different type of home, but rescue is not and will never be within our power. The compulsion, the driving force, behind this path that we are walking is a desperate desire to display the Gospel in every aspect of our life. The ability to rescue belongs to God alone. We believe he has led us to this point and our aim is to be faithful in that calling. However, he alone rescues the orphan.

So many of you have expressed your excitement and your joy in this calling and for that we are incredibly grateful. In addition, many of you have asked a variety of questions. We wanted to take a few moments and share with you what this process looks like and hopefully answer some of those questions.

The Process

• We are working with an agency called CCAI. They have quite an incredible story in how they were established and what they are doing in orphan care in China and around the world. You can visit their website [ccaifamily.org] to learn more about them and see many of the details about how the process works.
• After the initial application process is completed and approved, the paper chase begins. There are a number of different documents that have to be gathered and authenticated over the next several months. Those documents are gathered into what will constitute our dossier. The dossier is incredibly important, it represents us to the Chinese government. This document makes the case as to why we should be allowed to adopt.
• Once the dossier is sent to China the waiting game begins. We have set out certain parameters for the child that we are willing to adopt. (Again, Caroline has addressed how we came to this decision on her blog.) Virtually all adoptions from China these days are some type of special needs adoption. The fact that we are asking for a boy should help move the process along. There is a high demand for parents who will adopt boys.
• Once we get matched we will travel to China where we will be in-country for about two weeks. While there we will be waiting on documents and finalizing his adoption and American citizenship.

Medical Needs

• As part of the application process we submitted a medical needs checklist. This checklist tells China and our agency what medical needs we are comfortable reviewing for possible acceptance. We can change this checklist throughout the process if we are not receiving files or if we are receiving files we are not comfortable with. We indicated that we would like to adopt a boy, 18 months or younger, with a cleft lip/palate.
• We obviously will not have exact details about the specific medical needs until we are matched with a potential child. On many, if not most, occasions the child’s lip will have already been repaired. However, it is often the case that the palate will still need to be corrected. We have a great team of doctors here in Oklahoma with whom we have already consulted with and they will review any file that we receive as a potential match.
• We do get the opportunity to review a file that is sent to us and have doctors review it, so that we can make the most informed decision possible about whether or not we can meet the medical needs of any particular child. Also, if we receive a file from our agency we are assured that we are the only people reviewing that particular file. This means that we do not have to rush to make a decision because we are afraid someone else will take this child out from under us.

Coming Home

• When we come home there will be an adjustment time for us as parents, for our new son, and for our current children. These adjustments can have long-term implications if not made carefully. It is very important that we work hard at developing the parent-child and sibling bonds that are so necessary in any family. Because of these potential issues we may need to be very careful about who we allow in the house and where we take him. This will be determined entirely on how he responds to us and how our family adjusts after he gets home. There is no way of predetermining how these potential issues will affect our family or how long those bonds could take to develop.
• When we come home he will immediately become a citizen and will be put on our health insurance in the same manner as if he had been born to us in a local hospital.

One of the most frequent and appreciated questions we have received is, “How can we help?” It is an incredible blessing to know that there are people who love our family and are concerned with what God is calling us to do. Let us list just a few of the ways you can help us bring our son home.

• Pray

We desperately need and covet your prayers. This is a spiritual process that will involve a lot of un-spiritual people. For example in our letter introducing ourselves to China we are asked to explain why we are adopting. Our agency, which is a Christian agency, advises us to not list our main reason for adoption as “God is calling us.” Quite frankly China is not interested in what God is calling us to do. The opportunity is going to be present for us to be very frustrated in this process and we ask you to pray for us to remain patient and remain focused on our calling. Even if we cannot write it down!!!

Because there are so many steps and layers in this process, the opportunity for mistakes are plentiful. Please pray that we can remain focused as we pursue the completion of our paperwork. If we make a major mistake our dossier can be kicked back and cause us to start over, which could mean re-doing a lot of paperwork and increased costs.

There is also a time element involved in many of the documents that we have to gather. Being efficient with our collection and authentication is very important. Please pray that we can remain focused, yet not rush through this process.

• Help

There are so many unknowns that go into this process. Unknowns based on the fact that we have never done this, unknowns about the child that we are going to bring home, unknowns about how our three current children are going to adjust and adapt to adding a fourth child into the home. There may be times where we need help with something as simple as watching the younger ones while Caroline gathers paperwork. We do not know what is going to come, but along with your prayers, we have no shame in asking for your help!!

We are sure there will also be countless opportunities to help once we get home with our son. Whether it is bringing a meal or watching kids while we take our new son to doctors’ appointments. We promise if you ask and there is something that you can do to help us we will let you know!

• Give

Another way that you can come alongside us as we bring this calling to reality is through giving. The adoption journey is an expensive one. We know this and we are committed to this process whether people give us ten million dollars or zero dollars. We are saving, applying for grants that are available, and pursuing all possible means of funding for bringing our son home. We believe that God has called us into this process and we believe that he will give us direction as to how we will fund this process. We have set in our minds that we are trying to gather about $35,000 dollars. Our agency has given us a very detailed cost chart, but even then there are some things that cannot be predicted, such as flight costs, etc… So, we have tried to factor those items into our planning. Again, let me repeat, we are committed to this process and are not counting on other people to fund this for us. However, if you are led or desire to contribute in this manner we will gladly accept that help. If you are interested in helping in this way, please contact us and we will let you know the best way for this to happen. Who knows, maybe we will send you a special picture of our little boy when we get him home!!

Finally let me say thank you for all of your encouragement and support as we start on this journey. We are so thankful for your care and concern for our lives. We pray that we can reflect and demonstrate that same care and concern to you. Pray for us as we travel what our agency calls, “a journey of a lifetime.”

 

 

 

 

When I was 8 years old I remember watching Oprah after school. (I’ll give you a minute to gasp at the fact that I mentioned Oprah, but if you were a kid in the 90’s you watched Oprah after school!!) On said show they were discussing the orphan crisis in China. Baby girls perfectly healthy and precious being abandoned on the streets purely because they were girls and families wanted a boy. This shook my little 8 year old self to the core and I remember thinking someday I will do something about this. Fast forward 12 or so years. I had gotten saved and was in college and started hearing about families bringing home children from Africa. I began obsessively researching the adoption process. China, Russia, Ethiopia, Haiti and the Ukraine. Anywhere and everywhere. I started asking God to let me bring home children right then and there. You know as a 20 year old college student who couldn’t balance a checkbook? Perfectly sane idea. I think I signed up for every agencies information list and started pouring over these things called blogs and reading about families in the process. I then decided at 20 years old someday I would travel to Africa and bring a son home.

A few years later I met this very handsome man who made me smile a lot and rode horses and wore boots and I was smitten. But early on in the relationship I told him if you want to marry me, you have to be committed to adoption. Yes I would love to have biological kids as well, but adoption is a big piece of my heart so you better get on board or boot scoot out of here. He thankfully said, ok I can get on board with that. (I was pretty cute and I worked at the lake so how could he say no). We were married July of 2008 and I probably waited until September of 2008 to start talking babies. Ha! January of 2010 (we waited a minute) we welcomed Luke James into the fold. He was the best baby ever and we thought he was pretty easy so I started hounding Michael a minute later for another one. We were poor seminary students so he said we should probably wait awhile so we can actually you know feed the children so a few years passed. But all the while every few months you would walk out to the mailbox and find “Hi Mrs. Taylor. Thank you four your interest in our International Adoption program. Here is some info to get you started.” I probably signed up for 10 agencies and got all the information and researched every country that anyone has ever adopted from. I made myself sick looking at sweet babies faces on waiting list sites. I poured over adoption blogs read over the process. I remember begging God for it to be our turn. We moved to Oklahoma June of 2012. In July 2013 a sweet little bundle of energy came into this world named Selah Grace. And now our little cookie cutter lives looked perfect. A boy and a girl and we’re done…..not hardly.

I had always wanted a big family, but two babies were hard and I really really did not enjoy pregnancy. After the dust settled of having two babies I began to pray about adoption and all the hows/whens/wheres. When Selah Grace was a year old Michael shocked me by telling me he was ready for another. Another? I had to sweetly nag him for a year for the other two and boom he’s ready for another. And this began a really tough discussion for us. Have another? Adopt? I really was not in love with pregnancy and really just wanted to adopt the next one. And I was worried if we had another adoption would never happen. But we prayed about it a lot and couldn’t shake the feeling that we were supposed to have one more biological child.

If you have been reading this blog you know what happened next. In March 23 of 2015 we found out of unborn child in my belly would be born with a cleft lip and palate. This brought a whole new community of people, doctors and vocabulary in our lives. This brought a tougher, stronger faith into our lives. This made the power of prayer so real in our lives. And this put a whole new love in our lives: babies with cleft lip and palates. On August 5, 2015 Shane Mark entered the world screaming his little head off (and side note he didn’t stop screaming that little head off for 10 months).

Life with three was hard ya’ll. Still is. They are everywhere. And talk so much. And all like want to eat and stuff. It has been a juggling act like never before and I constantly feel like I am dropping the ball. But the still soft voice of my heart kept bringing adoption in my heart. It seemed crazy and illogical. But God placed the desire to bring an orphan into my family 24 years before and he was not letting a little thing like a mountain of medical bills from Shane, or my overwhelmed heart get in the way. In March of 2016 we moved our family to a new church. We bought our first house (I think we were handed our grown up cards then) and decided to dabble in this very easy and relaxing task of remodeling the entire house whilst living in it with a 6, 3, and 1 year old in it. That summer Michael laid a bomb on me- he knew we were supposed to adopt a little boy. And one with a cleft lip and palate.

Now let me tell you- I majored in special education and taught special ed for awhile before coming to work for the circus, I mean becoming a stay at home mom. I had brought up special needs adoption a million times before and it was always met with a deer in headlights look and a “I don’t know C.” But after we walked the road with Shane, God laid it on Michael’s heart this was something he had for us. I began researching (of course) and over and over again we kept seeing China every time we looked at “special needs adoption.” To us the fact that cleft lip and palate is considered a special need is crazy, but it is. The more we looked the more we realized this was God’s plan for our family. We began to pray for God to give us direction. We continued to remodel the house and finish that up (my husband is superman ya’ll) and started looking at agencies. We talked to trusted friends who had adopted from China or were currently in the process and began researching agencies. Around Thanksgiving 2016 I talked to CCAI, an amazing agency in CO that is the #1 agency according to China (or something like that) and fell in love with them. We knew this was the plan for our family and began to pray fervently that God woulds show us how in the world with 3 kids, me staying home, and us just remodeling this house we would afford this adoption. We placed our faith in the Lord to provide and set a goal to have in the bank before we even applied. (I will write a whole post on this later, but all I can say is our God is mighty and amazing and a miracle worker.) The number looked impossible, but through hard core budgeting and cutting back, selling stuff and my funny little peg dolls shop Dancing Waffles in March 2017 we hit our goal.

And on March 22, 2017 we sent in our application for a little boy with a cleft lip and palate. This is exciting and a miracle in itself. But its a story only our amazing God could weave together. On March 23, 2015 we were delivered the DEVASTATING news that our unborn child had a cleft lip and palate. on March 22, 2017 we turned in an application to adopt a boy with a cleft lip and palate. Before I sat down to write this I did not even realize that. My mother in law said it perfectly. “Going from fear of Shane’s issues to choosing to walk the path with another little one.”

We are so overwhelmingly excited to announce that we have officially began the adoption process to bring home our SON from China. This is a very long and tough process, so we covet your prayers. We are what you call “paper pregnant.” This means we have about 6 months worth of paper work, home studies, appointments and various other things to do before we can be matched to our son. This blog will be our way of keeping people updated and we hope you will join us as we take this journey. Thank you to everyone who has already encouraged and supported us as we take this giant leap of faith. God is so good!

 

I wish I could follow up the surgery story with sunshine and rainbows. I wish I could tell you that the day following the surgery and the week that followed were a piece of cake. That this was as easy as pie and we ate cupcakes and had a family sing along.

I wish I could say that. I wish.

The recovery from surgery was flat out awful. Nothing fun. Nothing easy. Coming off anesthesia was rough. He was angry and confused and in pain. He had wires and IVs and monitors all over him. He had this plastic straw like thing coming out his nose. Stitches in his lip and mouth and tape covering all of it. He had arm restraints called no-nos (that should have a much stronger name to fully capture the torture like devices that they are.)

I remember the first time I saw him on the bed in the recovery room I was scared. Terrified actually. His face was swollen and he cried this moaning like cry that scared me. He smelled like iodine and blood and he was so miserable. The nurse had to hand him to me because I was too afraid to pick him up.

The first 24 hours were the worst. He was mad and hungry and tired. Couple that with not being able to relax enough to sleep, fighting against the arm restraints and trying to kick off monitors and IVs, and flat out rejecting the syringe thingy he had to eat out of and it was in a word: AWFUL. I think I cried 14 times. We also discovered our little corner room was the only one with just one chair to sleep in (the other had a couch and chair) and the cot we were promised never happened so poor Michael had to sleep on the tile floor. So lets just say minus the amazing chicken caesar wrap I had from the cafe downstairs, our stay at Children’s was not my favorite day.

But as hard as it was it was just that: one day. I know you have gotten to know me by now and have picked up on the fact that I am a bit of a drama queen whiner. And let me tell you the Lord heard lots of fits from me that day. But then just like that it was the next day. Baby resident (the toddler with a white coat who was “old enough to practicing medicine”) came by and checked on him. Dr. Smith came and saw him. And just like that the lady with the clip board came and kindly asked me for all my money. Sorry about college Shane, but your smile will be amazing. Anyways we blinked a few times and they were sending us home.

Home was a tiny bit smoother. Still not a fun filled adventure, but not as awful as the hospital. I mean Michael didn’t have to sleep on tile, but we were not out of the woods yet.

The next week was hard because of two things.

1. No-nos. Like I said, that is not a strong enough name. We had to watch him at all times because he would thrash and wiggle and try to get the arm immobilizers off. He was 3 months old and loved to suck on his hands. And he had this tube up his nose and he wanted to scratch/remove. He also did this adorable thing where he would rub his face on his arms to go to sleep. Well that was out.

 

 

2. The dreaded syringe. This wasn’t a normal plastic medicine syringe. It had this long soft rubber hose coming out of it. This is how he had to eat and he hated it. He would cough and gag and spit. He totally rejected it and would cry out of frustration every time. We would have to sit there and put formula in his mouth and pray with each squirt (which might of held 5 mL) that he would swallow it. He fought this at every feeding the entire week. It took us 30-45 minutes to get him to eat every time. it was exhausting for all of us.

 

 

But just like that first day went on, the week went on. Our big kids were champs. I think we watched the Curious George 2 movie and George 3 around 684 times each that week. But they were so wonderful and helpful. I’ll remember that one day when they are teenagers.

And then in the midst of all this mess. The frustration and tears and anger God did it again. He showed up. He showed up big time. As if wrapping his arms around me in the waiting room was not enough. As if helping us get through the first day of recovery was not enough. If us qualifying for a grant from this amazing foundation that completely covered the surgeons fees in full wasn’t enough. He showed up and showed me again who He is. How He doesn’t just care for us and love us a little. That he doesn’t just provide for some of our needs. But that he provides for OUR EVERY NEED. EVERY SINGLE NEED.

You see through out all of this my mama heart was still grieving the
 loss. The loss of that wide gap smile that was gone forever. And then it happened. 5 days after the surgery things were getting better. He was not as annoyed with the arm restraints and his swelling had gone down. The tape finally fell off and we could see a sweet pink line of healing. And then he smiled. He smiled a fully restored fully attached smile. And I lost it. My mama heart leaped and I remember just crying and saying over and over again “your smile. Its so beautiful. Its just so beautiful.” I thought it would take awhile. I figured it would be weeks before the stitches dissolved and we could see healing. But then day 5 we took him out of the bath tub and that clear tape fell off and there it was right in front of me. A Perfect lip. A perfect smile. Healing. Restored. Whole. It was unbelievable. But then again that is our God. Constantly amazing me and showing me His ways are not my ways. His plans are not my plans. His power is not my power. And my tiny little human brain cannot even fathom the things He can do. All of that shown so brightly in a 3 month old boy’s brand new smile.

“And my God will supply every need of your according to his riches in glory in Christ Jesus.” Philippians 4:19

“But truly God has listened; he has attended to the voice of my prayer.” Psalm 66:19

 

It happened. I don’t know how, but all of a sudden I was grieving again. Not the type of grief I had pregnant. Not the pain I felt when I saw people make faces at my boy in walmart. Not the pain I even felt when I read about tv shows who make fun of children with clefts. This was an incredibly different kind of grief. And it hit me like a tidal wave 3-4 weeks before Shane’s surgery.

I was in love. Big time goofy love. 1^st time parent goofy love. The kind of love that annoys your friends. I could not stop taking pictures of that sweet smile. That sweet imperfectly perfect smile. You see Shane spent the 1^st 2 full months of his life crying. Not joking 2 full months of nothing but screaming and sleeping. When I went to his 2 month appointment with his pediatrician she looked at my ragged tired self and asked how he was doing and I sobbed. Big ugly tears. I hated colic and I hated clefts. This was so hard and I didn’t know what to do. We were paying an arm and a leg for special soy formula and he was still crying 5-7 hours a day. Have you ever been with a baby who cried 5-7 hours a day? Its enough to drive you mad. I was going crazy. And then she said these magical words that killed me. This is NOT normal. Something is wrong. This isn’t colic. This isn’t cleft. Something is wrong. More big ugly snotty tears. She hugged me and held me and told me “mom we are going to figure this out.” She made a quick call to a GI doctor and had an over the phone consult for us. 2 prescriptions later and another new formula later (this one was double the dollars of the very expensive one we were already buying) we figured out our boy has a dairy AND soy allergy. And just like that he was a new kid. A brand new kid. And a week or 2 later he gave us a smile. Not a little tiny baby I have gas and grinning in my sleep smile. But a hi mom there you are I love life and this new million dollar formula makes me feel so nice smile. And I fell. Hard. Fast. Mush.

And then it hit me. A few weeks before his surgery. We toiled in prayer over this. We wanted so badly for this to go away and not be happening. We didn’t want to walk this road. We didn’t want our baby to go through this. And now it was ending. And so was this smile. And I grieved. I grieved hard. I loved this smile. Where the world saw imperfection and something a little “weird” or “messed up” I saw absolute perfection. I mean all of my children are beautiful, but I was just so smitten with his smile. And now a surgeon was going to change that forever

At our pre surgery consult I jokingly asked the surgeon, “do we have to fix it?” he laughed (probably remembering our first meeting when I was pregnant and I cried a lot not wanting this to be real) and said, “Well I would suggest you fix it before the prom.” I laughed too pretending I had only been kidding, but truthfully I was serious. I did not want to “fix” him. It was not just the idea of my 3 month old going under anesthesia or having surgery that required an over night stay in the hospital. (I would freak out about that later). It was the idea that this smile that just melted me was going to be gone. Forever. I just could not deal. I took 1000 pictures from every angel. I blew up my instagram in case you know the world was as worried about missing his smile I was and I cried a lot.

And then I realized that the Lord had answered my prayers. I had worried so much over whether or not I would think he was cute. Would I love him like I did my others? Was I just this vain terrible mom who only cared for outward beauty? I prayed my whole pregnancy, Lord let me love him inside and out. This was good because the Lord dealt a lot with my vanity all those month. He showed a glaring plank in my eye and showed me where my priorities lied. But here right here it hit me. He had answered my prayer and I did not even realize it. He hadn’t just made my child’s face bearable to look at. He made me big time in love with it. And I was going to miss that wide smile. I loved the way his lips flared out whenever he smiled. The smush of his sweet little nose. And next week everything was going to change.

Thank you Lord for walking this road with us. Thank you for changing the definition of perfect in my heart. Thank you for giving me your eyes and not the world’s. Now help me to trust as we walk these next steps. Help me to trust that the “new” smile will be just as perfect to my heart. Thank you Lord. 

 

 

I have already mentioned when bad things happen I run. Hard and fast. (again, not literally. I have bad knees you know). But after the running away no this isn’t happening you cannot catch me pain phase is what I like to call the 2 year old who skipped nap phase for me. The WHHHHHHYYYY. If you are a mother you read that in the exact tone of your angel baby from heaven who you have heard say that 732 times….this week.

Why me God? Its such a whiney unattractive phase. But hey I’ll own it. I always go through it. And God patiently loves me and thinks I am wonderful. Much like me when I look at my two year old terror (I mean angel baby) asks WHHHHYYYY can I not watch George again mom?? Why can I not have skittles for breakfast?? Why can we not go swimming in January??? I digress. But I do. I go through this phase. Why do I have to love this person God? Why do I have to wait on the answer? Why can I not have my plan A or plan B? I made such careful notes! And He just sits there. Quietly loving. Throwing buckets of grace my way and waiting. Waiting for that faith and trust He has put in me. Waiting for me to see that He has never failed. Never disappointed. Never abandoned. That His ways are always good. His love is better than life. But alas, I always have to make it through this phase. And so that happened here with my sweet cleft baby.

My why me lasted about 6 weeks at the end of my pregnancy. Couple that with being incredibly uncomfortably pregnant chasing around a 5 year old and 2 year old in JULY HEAT and you’ll see I was in a word *pleasant* to be around. I got mad. I got angry. I got whiny.

Why did he have a cleft? Why did we have to walk this road? Why did people have to keep telling me “God gives special babies to special parents?” (ugh! More on that later) Why had you not taken this away? Why did you not heal him? Why did I live 2.5 hours away from the specialist I was having to see once every 2 weeks to “check on things?” Each time I saw that wide little hole in the 4D ultrasound I said enthusiastically, “welp there it is.” The ultra sound tech always laughed nervously not sure if I was happy or not. (side note ultrasound techs are amazing people. They have to deal with some of the craziest most neurotic clientele ever. Anyways..)

August 4 we drove with our kids to the city. We were meeting my family there and going to spend the night at a hotel across the street so that it would not be a big drive the next morning. We ate at road house that night. Because um come on. My last night of being pregnant ever I was going to gorge myself on rolls with cinnamon butter. Duh. Then went back to the hotel preparing to sleep. We were going to meet him the next day. The kids slept in my parents room so we wouldn’t have to wake them the next day as we went to the hospital at 6 am. I “slept” a bit that night full of nervous energy. I got up early the next morning and showered and did my hair and make up. That’s the beauty of a c section right? You actually get to look good in your pictures. Right? Right. (PS you pinterest mamas with your model like post baby looks. We cannot hang. At all. I looked like a ghost zombie after all 3 babies for at least 2 weeks. SO take your pro pics and…. Ok back to the subject)

We drove across the street and walked inside the hospital. A million things were explained to me. Forms were signed. Gowns on. Weird socks. I was told they would bring me back for surgery in 1.5 hours. I was a bit annoyed because I was starving, but ok I can now prepare. I made small talk with the sweet nurse and acted like I was completely fine. We laughed about how I freaked out right before my c section with Selah Grace and I had tried to leave the hospital bed with IV in and just run away in my gown. Ha ha. I chuckled pretending like I wasn’t doing the very same thing. The doctor came in and introduced himself. Oh yes nice to meet you man I have never seen before who will bring one of the most important people in my life to this world. Yes it is so nice to see you. WHAT? That’s crazy business. Then the anesthesiologist- again hi nice to meet you yes please make sure I don’t feel them ripping a baby out of me all while I lay there wide awake.

They all left and gave Michael and I a moment alone. That’s when the terror set in. I cried. I screamed. I remember feeling like I would actually just die. Right then and there. Absolute terror and absolute fear. It gripped me like an anaconda and I decided I would pass on having the baby that day. No sir thank you very much. Let’s try again tomorrow or never. Remember me and hard things. Not so much. I will just go ahead and leave and go eat some chicken minis from chick fil a. Yep that sounded better. Then exactly 3 minutes later (1.5 hours my bottom) they came in and said “its time.”

I walked back to the room holding Michael’s hand. They then showed Michael to his holding room to get all gowned up and I was left in a very cold room with a bunch of people I had never met. They were all busying about getting trays and instruments and towels ready. They numbed me and my heart began to settle a bit. They prepped for surgery and Michael came in sat with me. I do not remember how much time passed, but I don’t think it was very long. Lots of tugging and pulling and then that sound. That sweet baby cry. They showed me his little smooshed face over the curtain and the tears just flowed. Happy tears. Scared tears. Tears of relief. I remember telling Michael his face looked a lot worse than I thought it would and I was scared. He reassured me and told me he was ok. I even think I may have said he looked like a duck. I don’t know it was all very crazy and there were lots of drugs in me. But a little while after that we got great news. His palate was barely affected. It was only through his gum line. Big relief and lots of happy tears. I remember just resting and letting everything be finished up and all in a second it was over. They threw Shane across my chest and wheeled me to our room.

I had IVs and was still completely paralyzed so I couldn’t lift up or adjust him or anything so I just kind of laid there like a dead fish with this crying wiggling little baby on me. We got to the room and Michael took him for a minute. A nurse showed him how to use the Pigeon bottle so he could eat. And I was able to rest for a bit.

The whole day was a blurr. Siblings meeting. Grandparents crying. Friends and family and facebook informed. He was here. He was healthy. He was ours. I remember that night still feeling so unsure. But just being glad that it was finally over. The weight and anxiety over. He was here in front of us. He cried a lot that night and I don’t remember much over the next few days.

But then Friday came.

Michael had to run home for a funeral. (pastor’s life) And I was alone. (I mean not really alone. Nurses were one call button away). But it was just me and Shane. I remember I got to shower and get up and walk a bit. I slept off and on when Shane allowed it. But I remember the moment I realized it would be ok. The surgeon had been there the day he was born and told us that he looked amazing and this would be an easy fix. Hearing test was passed. He was eating just fine. All these things checked off the list one by one that could’ve been awful. And then there that Friday in the room alone just him and me we locked eyes for the first time. That little wide lip face looked up at me and I looked at him. And I remember just whispering thank you.

The whys were gone and that thanks overflowed. Thank you for a safe delivery. Thank you for tests passed. Thank you for letting him eat easily from bottle. Thank you that his palate was minimally affected. Thank you for the unilateral cleft and not a bilateral. Thank you for 10 fingers and 10 toes. Thank you for this road.

I usually get over my whyyyyys stage and enter into a suck it up and get through it stage. But this was different. I remember the Lord just speaking to my heart. Not words. Not sounds. Just peace. Peace upon peace. Flowing down all over me. This was my son. I loved him and I would care for him. I would walk through fire or worse another 6 months of pregnancy for this kid. Not the kid that would be “fixed” in a few months. The one in the future that everyone said “you won’t even be able to tell” that he had a cleft. The one with a perfect complete face. THIS Shane Mark Taylor. This one right here. I was overjoyed with tears. I remember him laying his sweet head on my shoulder and napping on my chest for an hour while I softly wept in front of the Holy Father who had been there every step of the way. I laid there and just cried, “Thank you.”